It's tough when you realize after you've been through so much shit, that you gotta leave some of your past time favorite things behind and grow up. And when you declare to people who want you to stay small and fragile or someone who wants to make you into what they want you to be, that "Hey, it's time for me to live my own life, I'm gonna be who I want to be." It sorta turns your world around. People are starting to see me now, someone changing with her own perspectives and outlooks on how life will be for herself.

I want to go walking barefoot into the grass...

I find it amazing how you can be a friend to anyone and yet they might repay you with a box of flesh eating bullshit mites.

Lex is being haunted in her dreams. She's afraid to sleep. You'd think that in the beginning of this dream if you saw it, it would've been something i wanted. Keep watching it:
i had a dream thats kinda hard to understand... here goes
well the people who were in it:

there was me of course, brandi,Joanna,and Cody...


and it started of like, we were in Las Vegas at a hotel resort

and Cody and I were sitting at a bar

and i think the hotel has a bad history of being terribly haunted

like if you're chosen to be haunted your most likely to die, and you'll start getting signs of it

and i was scratching a receipt with a nickel and some parts where i sketched formed into a human figure on the paper which was a sign

and i started freaking out and screaming cause i didnt want to see what ever it was that was coming to haunt me or get me

and cody was comforting me, though idr if i saw his face or not

and like on other recipts i saw signs of creepy faces forming on the paper with the little numbers and letters

so my dream flashes and we're all in the hotel room and cody's rocking me and cuddling me to calm me down and in walks Joanna in these showtime clothing

black with white striped pants, a black top hat, a white button up shirt with a black vest

and she's drumming her fingers together licking her lips saying she's gonna bite me (in real life she used to do that)

and i started screaming cause it hurt when ever she did that and cody told her not to

and brandi is in the corner drinking and laughing

then it flashes again and cody and i are sitting on the porch with my grandma and her old friends later that night

and this huge machine pops out of the ground and makes this LOUD siren sound

which i think meant that the evil ghost was coming

and the whole world stopped

everything went quiet

and then there was this tiger that starts walking around the porch, and grandma goes "yep! thats the spirit, he wont hurt anyone!"

and it runs up the steps purring and everyones petting it but me and runs down

then im all "Aw, i wanna pet it too..."

and it ran back up and the world stopped again and it stood there staring at me

and i reached out to pet it and its whole form had changed to this really awful image of a dead looking creature, almost like walking roadkill

its was fucking scary

and it started to attack me but cody grabbed it and slung it into the road and my dream flashed again and i was in this really bright white room

and i started screaming for cody and trying to bang the floor or walls but i was just stumbling everywhere and when i calmed down i stood there and something grabbed me and pulled me down and my dream blacked out and ended

i woke up crying

im afraid to sleep


then pt.2 came along...
and from what i can remember, the first dream just replays or fast forwards to me in the white room again and i can feel that my face is red and sore from crying and screaming, and right when i calm down, i can feeling somethin or someone wrap itself around me, like hugging me from behind. Once again i start panicking and screaming, it scared me, i mean, i couldnt see whatever it was on me. And it started whispering my nickname and it got louder and louder like it was getting upset too, and finally it screamed "DONT BE AFRAID." Then that thing that pulled me down in my last dream, I saw very little of it, but it was black and it got under my skin and hooked onto the muscles and veins and nerves and pulled me down and my dream blacks out again only the dream doesnt end, i can hear this ticking sound like a dog walking on tiled floor, and it starts biting me and throwing me around.
i woke up sweating.

My therapist says when i need to do is draw this back dream, rip it up or whatever and then draw a good dream and put it on my wall and stare at it while i try to sleep.

But its kinda hard to do, cause when i draw on Netmeeting (i dont have blank paper) i was getting scared again and i felt the power in my room was gonna go out, and i felt like there was a huge presence like in my dream, gonna wrap around me. And the webcams kept going out too...


In other news...
My dad just up and decided to stop talking to me. I doubt he suspects im still smoking, cause if he had he would've been taking action and fussing at me. The last time he did, he threatened to make me spend my senior year at Rev. But you know that aint gonna stop me. kathi thinks he's finally giving me space. If so, he's being a little rude about it. Oh well, he'll get over what ever is eating him.



I've been so tired lately, it makes me really irritated and down. I didnt walk to Katie's house thursday, instead i took a walk. But emoman down at comic quest gave me a tiny starwars toy and a free superman comic which i later gave to katie.

i'm so afraid. I miss my old dreams where i was to tip toe on the sunny sidewalk.
peace out with a light on...
LEX